Meet Jabari and Azizi from the Prospect Park Zoo. They are baboons. That big motherfucker sitting on the woods there? That’s Simen. If you look at him funny, he’ll come up and slam the glass and scare the living shit out of you. No kidding.

So back to Jabari and Azizi. They’re really cute. They’re extremely playful. And yeah, they’re half-brothers.

I take my three old son to the Zoo on a weekday. Good thing to do these types of things in New York City on a weekday because it’s crowded as all shit on the weekends. We love the baboon exhibit at the Prospect Park Zoo, because most of the times the keepers are late feeding the Sea Lions.

So there they were playing around with sticks and some of the carrots and kelp the zookeepers insist they love to eat. My son and I have seen this several times. Then Jabari and Azizi run down to the “lower platform” of the exhibit, which has a different viewing station. It takes us a couple minutes to get to that viewing station because it involves stairs and if you have a three year old, you know how long it takes to walk down five sets of stairs.

And then there they were with Simen the alpha fucking male looking on. My son asks, “Hey dad, what are they doing?” I replied, “Hold on dude, let me just take some pictures.” So one picture turned into like fifteen pictures and then 1) I started thinking what kind of freak am I and then wished I had a Nikon SLR with continuous mode and number 2) oh shit, what is my son thinking? Then I say something to him along the lines of, “It’s this thing the young ones do but hey, look at that bird over there!” At this point they’re using their hands on one another and then I try to press the shutter again like a complete freak again but my camera goes kaput.

Good thing we had the whole exhibit to ourselves. Or so I thought. I look up and I see the security guard at the top. I said to myself, “Great, I’m going to get arrested for this.” But when I looked closer, I noticed the guard’s eyes transfixed on what was going on between Azizi and Jabari. I wanted to tell the guard, “Does the press know about this?” But when she caught me looking at her, she quickly turned and walked the other way.