Back in the day, all we had was the Lysol Spray. The kind that came in a metal can. When I see the options available now, it’s clear we weren’t fooling anyone back then.
If you were on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific, what would you bring:
Cheez-It Original -OR- Cheez-It White Cheddar
Dried Sliced Mango -OR- Dried Sliced Apples
Poland Spring Water -OR- Evian Spring Water
Ding Dongs -OR- Hostess Cupcakes
KFC Extra Crispy Chicken -OR- Popeye’s Original Chicken
Wendy’s Fries -OR- McDonald’s Fries
Dorito’s Nacho Cheese -OR- Dorito’s Ranch
Nestle Drumstick Icecream -OR- Choco Taco
M&M’s without peanuts -OR- M&M’s with peanuts
Corn Flakes -OR- Wheaties
German Shepherd -OR- Standard Poodle
Oatmeal -OR- Grits
Scrambled Eggs -OR- Sunny Side Up
Sprite -OR- Sierra Mist
IPA -OR- Port
Bourbon -OR- Rye
Rocking Chair -OR- Sofa
Pandora -OR- Spotify
Ipad -OR- Surface
Black Licorice -OR- Red Licorice
Futbol -OR- Football
Vape -OR- Old School
Scuba -OR- Snorkel
Hammock -OR- Therm-a-rest
Slippers -OR- Flipflops
Doughnuts -OR- Malasadas
Chinese Food -OR- Sushi
Grilled Cheese -OR- Mac n’ Cheese
Shower -OR- Bath
Regular Tooth Brush -OR- Sonicare Brush
Dr. Broner’s Soap -OR- Irish Spring
New York Times -OR- Washington Post
Netflix -OR- Amazon Prime
Walking Dead -OR- Breaking Bad
The Predator -OR- The Princess Bride
Matches -OR- Lighters
Spray -OR- Roll-on
Werewolves -OR- Vampires
The last time I made beer bread was more than fifteen years ago. I had fond memories of being able to make your bread at home quickly without a yeast packet. And all the home chefs making beer bread on YouTube seemed pretty happy with the taste.
Easy. Simple. Fast.
The concept of making beer bread came to me while I was out at Value Village with the family. A neighbor texted me the following:
Hey man — do you happen to have a cheap bland beer I can have for making bread? I’ll give you a loaf . . .
I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Value Village on a holiday. It’s a mess. There were like nine hundred people and there were clothes all over the place. I really had no interest in being at Value Village so naturally, my thoughts drifted. And bam, like magic, that’s when I get the text about the beer bread.
I’m thinking all I need is flour and beer and I’ll have bread in like an hour. That sounded good to me. I checked out a few recipes and I was almost right except for the baking powder
They don’t tell you in the recipe that the beer matters. Back when I used to make beer bread, I used only Corona. Where I used to live in Queens, it was either that or Budweiser. I’m starting to think now that my taste buds weren’t developed back then.
The beer I used a few days ago was the Costco Branded IPA Beer. I think for anyone who had the privilege of drinking this beer can attest to, it’s absolutely horrible. No matter how cold it actually is, it has a warm beer flavor.
I made one loaf and it tasted like Beer Flavored Bread. It was weird like wearing your shoes backward weird.
I made the second loaf thinking that perhaps the first one was a bad recipe.
There were only a few of them at first. And then before you know it, there were close to a few hundred. They started eating the grass, then the vegetables, and then the pets. That’s when we had to move. Then I saw on facebook that they’re congregating near my neighborhood. I don’t want to move again but I’ve seen what they’re capable of.
The Fermi Paradox is “the apparent contradiction between the lack of evidence and high probability estimates for the existence of extraterrestrial civilizations.” I don’t know if I buy this. I think the fact that we can imagine that there is life in space means that there is in fact life in space. In the end, I think the paradox comes down to this: at some point either we will take planes into space or something will come in planes from space. We just don’t know.
That’s where I want to go.
According to a personality test I took on the internet, I’m apparently from a purple universe about three hundred million light years away. I didn’t believe it at first — because who believes anything on the internet anyway — but I know deep inside that it’s true. Sometimes, when I force myself to wake up while in deep REM sleep, I am visited by my ancestors from the Purple Universe. They tell me all kinds of stories like how they arrived on Earth, and how there were others from other Universes fighting it out to see who would maintain supremacy. They were all humans as we know it but they had different characteristics. Some had additional eyes or legs. Things like that. But one thing was clear: it was a violent time. There wasn’t much food until some of the people from the Purple and Orange Universes got together and cooked all the dinosaurs in these huge BBQ pits. It was eye-opening if you ask me. And it also made me realize that space travel isn’t for the weak or faint at heart.
Sligo Creek, MD
Takoma Park, MD.