Posts tagged ‘“rufus mangrove”’
people who say that humans are doomed don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. sure, we’re putting metric tons of pollution in the air. we’re sending out drones to kill people. we’re burning down cabins in california. we’re putting hundreds of thousands of people in jail for drugs. but that’s expected given the types of intelligence and fine motor skills we have. dolphins and little furry hamsters would do the same thing if they had what we had. but one thing we have that guarantees our long term survival is hope. hope is not based on reason or logic or common sense. it’s about believing in something that really has no chance of ever happening.
people tell me i should just breathe another day.
a large dragon came through my fire escape last night. he told me that i will always walk alone. and then he left the same way he came in.
next stop, 2013.
microphone checker
swinging sword lecture
closing down the sector
supreme neck protector
there’s some things that get better when you get older and there’s some things that get a lot worse. one of those things that gets progressively worse to the point of just wanting to jump off the empire state building is christmas. i am not against jesus or the church or giving or macy’s or parades or santa. it’s just that the list of shit to do during christmas gets bigger and bigger every year. it used to be that you just played around and got gifts and candy canes and watched cartoons and woke up and someone had made breakfast for you and was paying your bills and your health insurance. now, i have to get gifts not only for my family, but for the friends of my children and the cousins twice removed that i never even met on my wife’s side and my neighbors and trying to figure out how much the tip should be for my superintendent who is also the god parent of my child so that adds in another layer of gift giving and then there’s all the ornaments and lights and fragile stuff that everyone put up in the apartment that at some point i’m going to have to take all down and put into boxes and figure out how to stuff it back into my closets and then all the thousands of cookies i have to bake and it’s cold outside and the apartment is too small and too hot and too dry and that’s just a big fucking pain in the ass. christmas was clearly a holiday season created by women.
be my friend. hold me.
I’m not so much into crazy shit talk but sometimes I think people are watching me. Just the other day, I was walking down Ocean Avenue and for whatever reason I looked up and there was this Caribbean guy about six floors up taking pictures of me. I thought maybe it was a coincidence that it was the third time that week that I caught someone taking pictures of me with a long lens. But when I crossed over Newkirk, one of those dollar vans pulled up next to me on the sidewalk and tried to offer me a ride. The guy kept saying, “No really, it’s my pleasure, really,” but his teeth were all nasty and there were bits of meat inside and meat makes me feel really uncomfortable. So I jumped over the fence and then through the basement of the church and then I climbed up a tree and then jumped onto a roof and then slid down into the yard. I don’t know whether I had broken anything but at least I knew I wasn’t being followed. I don’t know how long that was going to last so instead of getting up I crawled through the yard, past the sidewalk, underneath the car, and down into the gutter. I thought it was going to be a lot nastier than it was, and if you haven’t tried it, I really suggest it. It’s warm and moist. That’s good things to have IMHO when you need a hideout during the winter.
president hectorish of the trench:
i have nothing against aliens, dinosaurs, robots, and zombies. i’m saying all this so you know the gravity of what i’m about to tell you. as you know, i’ve been working in the special projects unit that monitored the influx of rabbits from other planets. nothing was unusual until about an hour ago. the numbers spiked. the rabbits from planets as far off as galstakigar — four larkgomes away! — were coming in at about a thousand per minute.
one of my patrol teams found them congregating in an abandoned loft in gowanus. the scientist told us these rabbits need another two hours until they’re at full capacity to begin the invasion. if we’re going to use the boolanavator, then i’ll need you to input the passcodes.
submitted:
general yolafo of ditmas
i don’t hate the police. most of them are just trying to do their job. whatever the job actually means. but the point is that you don’t have to call the police for a lot of shit that we call the police for on a daily basis. for instance like the guy pounding his car radio outside your apartment at one in the morning on a saturday night. you call the police and then you refuse to give your name and stuff in case of retribution and you hide in the shadows of your fucking kitchen and giggle to yourself when the police and the sirens come around and they shut the guy up. or like when some guy is acting all crazy in front of the mcdonalds on nostrand. he’s just yelling and jumping around but he has no weapons and then when you call the police they roll up like fifteen deep and shoot the guy with mace and jump on top of him and everyone now has their cellphones out complaining about ‘police brutality’ and a couple “ohhhhhs!” and “awww shit man!!!!!” interdispersed every now and then followed by chuckles. i mean the whole thing is bullshit. call the police when shit really matters, like your building is on fire and there’s a guy throwing people into that fire. that’s when you call the police.
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