Posts tagged ‘NYC’
president hectorish of the trench:
i have nothing against aliens, dinosaurs, robots, and zombies. i’m saying all this so you know the gravity of what i’m about to tell you. as you know, i’ve been working in the special projects unit that monitored the influx of rabbits from other planets. nothing was unusual until about an hour ago. the numbers spiked. the rabbits from planets as far off as galstakigar — four larkgomes away! — were coming in at about a thousand per minute.
one of my patrol teams found them congregating in an abandoned loft in gowanus. the scientist told us these rabbits need another two hours until they’re at full capacity to begin the invasion. if we’re going to use the boolanavator, then i’ll need you to input the passcodes.
submitted:
general yolafo of ditmas
i don’t hate the police. most of them are just trying to do their job. whatever the job actually means. but the point is that you don’t have to call the police for a lot of shit that we call the police for on a daily basis. for instance like the guy pounding his car radio outside your apartment at one in the morning on a saturday night. you call the police and then you refuse to give your name and stuff in case of retribution and you hide in the shadows of your fucking kitchen and giggle to yourself when the police and the sirens come around and they shut the guy up. or like when some guy is acting all crazy in front of the mcdonalds on nostrand. he’s just yelling and jumping around but he has no weapons and then when you call the police they roll up like fifteen deep and shoot the guy with mace and jump on top of him and everyone now has their cellphones out complaining about ‘police brutality’ and a couple “ohhhhhs!” and “awww shit man!!!!!” interdispersed every now and then followed by chuckles. i mean the whole thing is bullshit. call the police when shit really matters, like your building is on fire and there’s a guy throwing people into that fire. that’s when you call the police.
you think there’s only one fucking big bird? you have to be out of your mind to think something like that.
anxiety is like a big bear standing next to you. if the bear could talk, he would be saying, “i’m going to fucking eat you.” but anxiety involves more than just the bear. because in this scenario, you are tied to a tree. you can move your hands and your fingers. but your legs are going nowhere. and even if somehow you could separate your lower body from your upper body and you actually survive, i’m telling you now you are not going to out-crawl an athletic, salivating bear whose only mission in life is to eat you.
but anxiety is more than just you, a tree, and a bear. that little motherboard in your human condition comes up with a load of coping mechanisms to deal with certain kinds of trauma. you know, suppression, repression, those kinds of terms. but when it comes to anxiety, that little motherboard of yours really can’t do anything but turn anxiety into a car. and you start riding through life on that fucking car and you look out the window and wave at your friends and take pictures of the pretty scenery outside. and you think, problems? sure, i’ve got problems but not real problems.
it’s all fine and dandy until something happens. and that “happens” can be something like a bump in the road or a sharp turn or just one of your fucking eyes that stares in the wrong direction. and you’ll know when the “happens” happens, because you’re going to look down at the steering wheel and realize you are tied to a tree with a hungry bear standing next to you.
i don’t really understand gummy colas. i’m not really talking about the science of it or how they actually get the soda in there. science is pretty amazing now with all the stuff and flavors they can make in new jersey so i don’t doubt that. but there’s a few places in the greater brooklyn area where you can buy gummy colas by the fucking pound. it’s that aspect i don’t fully get. a typical package has about twenty three or twenty four gummy colas in it and maybe if you go to costco you can get a package of sixty seven gummy colas. i’ve seen people, as early as this morning, buy this stuff by the pound, and they’re buying at least ten or fifteen pounds. that’s close to a thousand pieces. and these people aren’t in the business of selling these colas or have kids. and these stores where they buy these gummy colas from? these are respectable ones that sell soda and cold cuts and name brand cereal. the new york city police department knows of my serious concerns but right now they’re still “investigating.” what the fuck does that mean? everyone knows what’s going on with the gummy colas. do we have to wait until another tragedy before we start acting?
sometimes, you have to take a deep breath and just dive in. yes, you might drown or encounter some kind of poisonous serpent or a new species of eel with sharp teeth. but imagine the excitement, the accomplishment, the pride you will feel when you find out that your lungs are actually gills and your hands are actually webbed tentacles. so get in there. get in there as fast as you can.
all you haters out there can say this or that about space travel to the moon. sure, there were some inconsistencies with the pictures NASA was sending back. but come on, they were using hasselblads that were mounted to their chests. did you ever try shooting medium format? did you ever try loading one of those fucking cameras? and that’s just on earth. now imagine doing that in a highly radioactive environment with ten inch think gloves and a director yelling in your face. it’s almost near impossible. yeah, so what about the shadows in all the weird places and the flag blowing in the wind in space. it’s medium format. shit like that happens when you use cameras like that.
if i had to fly, i don’t think i’d be a bird or even a plane. i want to be like a thin trail of smoke from some nag champa incense. i just wanna cascade upwards toward the sky and then dissipate all over the fucking earth.
even now, after everything i went through, i still get asked what it’s like to have a ten foot tail. i laugh to myself and just shake my head. you should see their expressions when i whisper, “i can fly motherfucker. what can you do?” i say it so fast and with a slight turkish accent that they’re not really sure what i said but are too embarrassed to ask me to repeat it. so they just smile and tip their head a little bit before walking away.
you don’t need a skirt to be riding pretty.
e v e r y d a y aperture 