Posts tagged ‘imagine’
give it a squeeze
We Interrupt Your Normally Scheduled Programming
They had prepared a feast with unwrapped candy bars, sliced hot dogs, and mounds of some sort of pasta dish that looked like a cross between Kraft Mac N’ Cheese and cooked oatmeal. I wasn’t really that hungry but I didn’t want to offend my hosts by refusing the paper plate they had pushed in front of me with their noses. I quickly picked up one of the candy bars and put it in my mouth, chewing as fast as I could. It tasted like an old snickers bar, the chocolate a bit too crunchy and the bits of nougat and peanuts sticking to the roof my mouth as though they had been dipped in rubber cement.
the last time something remotely large and wonderful came out of my ear was back in my junior year of high school. i was driving in my car at about sixty or seventy miles an hour and all of a sudden it felt as though someone threw a piece of stepped on carpet in my left ear. i quickly reached into my ear with my index and thumb and pulled out something that looked a lot like flattened li hing mui. for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s salty dried plum, also referred to in my hometown of Hawaii as “crack seed,” and mind you this name was given prior to any crack epidemic. i held it in my fingers for a while, amazed and shocked by its size, and questioned how the hell it existed in my ear canal all this time even though i often cleaned my ears with a q-tip. where the hell did it come from? in complete denial i threw it out the window, not knowing that that would be the last time anything that spectacular would come out of my ear. if i knew then what i knew now, i would definitely have kept it in a jar or at least an envelope. this whole fascination must be somehow related to our evolution, because there’s something beyond mere satisfaction or curiosity of taking a huge piece of ear wax or gunk out of your ear. one time, when i was living in kosovo, i didn’t have q-tips for like two weeks. my ears were itchy and i could feel the gunk building up. when we went to the store, i opened up the q-tips, or whatever knockoff brand they had, and began cleaning my ears behind the aisles as my wife pretended not to know me. even though it took 4 q-tips to clean my ears, i was hoping for that once in a life time large chunk, like when you stick your spoon deep in peanut butter and pull it out.
my other house is a yurt
You were working as a waitress at a cocktail bar
Don’t you want me?
You know I can’t believe it
When I hear that you won’t see me.
Don’t you want me?
You know I don’t believe you
When you say that you don’t need me.
It’s much too late to find
When you think you’ve changed your mind
You’d better change it back or we will both beee so-rrrry . . .
DON’T YOU WANT ME BABY?
my phone was stolen by a group of furry rabbits
president hectorish of the trench:
i have nothing against aliens, dinosaurs, robots, and zombies. i’m saying all this so you know the gravity of what i’m about to tell you. as you know, i’ve been working in the special projects unit that monitored the influx of rabbits from other planets. nothing was unusual until about an hour ago. the numbers spiked. the rabbits from planets as far off as galstakigar — four larkgomes away! — were coming in at about a thousand per minute.
one of my patrol teams found them congregating in an abandoned loft in gowanus. the scientist told us these rabbits need another two hours until they’re at full capacity to begin the invasion. if we’re going to use the boolanavator, then i’ll need you to input the passcodes.
general yolafo of ditmas
i never understood why some people call the police
i don’t hate the police. most of them are just trying to do their job. whatever the job actually means. but the point is that you don’t have to call the police for a lot of shit that we call the police for on a daily basis. for instance like the guy pounding his car radio outside your apartment at one in the morning on a saturday night. you call the police and then you refuse to give your name and stuff in case of retribution and you hide in the shadows of your fucking kitchen and giggle to yourself when the police and the sirens come around and they shut the guy up. or like when some guy is acting all crazy in front of the mcdonalds on nostrand. he’s just yelling and jumping around but he has no weapons and then when you call the police they roll up like fifteen deep and shoot the guy with mace and jump on top of him and everyone now has their cellphones out complaining about ‘police brutality’ and a couple “ohhhhhs!” and “awww shit man!!!!!” interdispersed every now and then followed by chuckles. i mean the whole thing is bullshit. call the police when shit really matters, like your building is on fire and there’s a guy throwing people into that fire. that’s when you call the police.